The Russian

So yesterday my Neuropathologist (I know that sounds highly specialized. But truly he’s just a Russian with a lisp who taps on me in very, very strange ways)...

Anyway, yesterday he told me my back pain is caused by the fact that I repress my emotions. Uh, sure.

I’m (allegedly) so emotively challenged that my tailbone vibrates back and forth with fury. The Russian explained that tailbones traditionally sit still or slide sideways when pressure is applied. Mine? It bounces back and forth. Which he insists is hard proof I’m holding my feelings in.

Um, let me get this straight. You're reading my ass like Japanese tea leaves?

Fortunately, what came out of my mouth sounded more like, “Uh yeah, I’m a middle child…”

But see, that's the thing about The Russian. He'll say something I'd ordinarily dismiss as nutty…then he'll tap a certain spot on my elbow, make me close my eyes and bite a pencil or something, and magically, my pain will disappear. And I'll shut my cakehole and sit in amazement. If it’s trickery, I really don’t care. He could strip me naked, cover me in molasses, and ask me too moo like a cow. So long as it works.

And it does. So I think I'll continue getting tapped and shutting my cakehole...